Between the ages of 11 - 13 I was into the whole 'boy saves troubled girl' fantasy. Over dramatising early pubescent struggles...victimising myself...the whole damn thing. And it wasn't until I got Tumblr, until I met people that did things for themselves, until I reached a quota of unrequited crushes that I realised that I was the one driving the vehicle. I realised things wouldn't happen unless I made them happen, that people wouldn't know how I felt unless I told them, that if things were shit, I could make them less so.
It's a little freeing and a little surreal when you realise the power you have within your own life. And I feel like we're always being held back by something invisible, something subconscious. Something holding us back from being entirely honest, from pursuing things that make our fingers twitch, an internal resistance to releasing your full potential. Or perhaps that's just me?
I remember the day it happened, I was sitting in the park listening to bad pop music looking at the sky and I realised that I could do everything. I could go to the other side of the city and tell no one, I could save and pack up and go to Paris, I could run away, I could scream and shout and do whatever I want. It was the day that I realised my potential as a human being and it was both wonderful and terrifying.
And perhaps it's a little sad, a little cynical to say that there's no one on their way to make everything better, to rescue you from, say, your shitty job or your unhappy little apartment. It's a little depressing to think that the independent films could, in fact, be wrong! But it's entirely liberating to do it yourself, take on the world.
So perhaps you're holding back feelings, perhaps you are bored, perhaps you're holding in a voice that needs to scream, perhaps you're in a toxic situation. The only person who has the ultimate power in your life is you, don't wait for someone to swoop in. And I'm saying this mostly to reassure and remind myself, but a little bit for you too. Waiting is ridiculous and setting yourself up for disappointment.
It's a fucking cliche and I hate fucking cliches and the fact that calling out your cliches is...in itself...a cliche but this is your life, you know, you are ultimately calling the shots. AND isn't it just fantastic that you can hold life in your hands and do whatever the hell you want with it.
Love and good vibes,
Bella Sucks xx